Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
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If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene