I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
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Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.