My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
You Might Also Like
so i’m at the stock market right
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Wednesday
LMAO
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Can’t, holding a grudge