I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
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European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
so this horse walks into a bar
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
“Boo!” — cow with a cold