HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
You Might Also Like
😅😅😅
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.