I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
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How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
And then there were 4
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.