Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.