Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
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I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
my name if I was in the mob
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.