It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.