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17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
This 4th of July, please remember…
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.