I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
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Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
mathematically impossible
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”