I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
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It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine