Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
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*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.