Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
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Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?