Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
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I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
*has no idea what a book even is*
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
DOOO EEEET
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.