If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
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Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate