4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
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Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Meow