5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
You Might Also Like
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Sooo many times…..
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.