[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
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You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.