Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
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cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
🤣dope
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
(Electricians.)
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money