Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo