Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
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Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
💻🤡
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.