Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
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Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My blood type is b hungry.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that