I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
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Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I wanna be friends with this person
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain