I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
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GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?