Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
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I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.