professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
You Might Also Like
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
shampoo implies shampee