MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
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A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper