me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
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I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both