My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
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if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
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Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl