ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks