me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
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DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.