i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
You Might Also Like
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon