Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
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Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey