[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
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Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.