“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
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Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I hope they boil the right one.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend