PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
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“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one