In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
You Might Also Like
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.