angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
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People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
“Why you watching this shit?”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.