[at funeral] You really had to see him live
You Might Also Like
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
me before I type out affect or effect
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?