What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
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I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
The pen is writier than the sword.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.