I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
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MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Taliband
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Care for your back
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Canada has crack?