Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
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Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
worst…sale…ever
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Owl Sanctuary
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes