ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
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“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.