[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
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[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Yes, this is exactly right
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?