Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
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Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Oh no
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend