The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
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I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
The photographer’s assistant
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.