my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.