my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
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I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
(yawn)
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.