When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
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To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of